Relationships

User avatar
Vortex
Murtaugh's hunter
Posts: 12140
Joined: 03 Dec 2012 17:11
Location: Spain

Re: Relationships

Post by Vortex »

well, I didn't have such bad experiences with women, so I can't comment :/
are you sure you're not painting it in too broad strokes? maybe you just had bad luck.
User avatar
gil2455526
subnet notes finder
Posts: 833
Joined: 03 Dec 2012 17:35

Re: Relationships

Post by gil2455526 »

I have zero experience with women, so I can comment even less ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Why would my cultural baggage make me have TWO VALENTINE'S DAY?!
Just smile and wave boys. Smile and wave...
User avatar
Sublevel 113
layer restorer
Posts: 16576
Joined: 11 Dec 2012 20:23

Re: Relationships

Post by Sublevel 113 »

bender wrote:Maybe it is just the country I live in. Our women is famous to be like that. Stupid whores.
never
never address such quotes to ALL people. or just one of people gender.
гг
all people are individuals
User avatar
bender
wisdom crystal finder
Posts: 2821
Joined: 04 Dec 2012 22:03
Location: Inertia

Re: Relationships

Post by bender »

Sublevel 105 wrote:
bender wrote:Maybe it is just the country I live in. Our women is famous to be like that. Stupid whores.
never
never address such quotes to ALL people. or just one of people gender.
гг
all people are individuals

Well it is actually true. We have tons of proverbs about this situations, but we only have few proverbs where women are the victim. I personally believe in such beliefs. Don't forget culture shapes personality.

@Vortex: I really hope I had bad luck.

four times in a row :roll:
Bender sucks
User avatar
Jatsko
karma portal traveller
Posts: 5997
Joined: 26 May 2014 11:20

Re: Relationships

Post by Jatsko »

Well.

There's a girl who goes to my college who I've been steadily getting to know since October (around there). We had the same religion philosophy class and we started studying together, and I realized that we couldn't have a conversation with each other less than an hour long once we got going.

That's the first thing I identified her as being: a really, REALLY good source to talk, about anything. I swear I have never talked to someone more easily in my life. It's crazy how automatically down-to-earth she seems about everything. And she expresses a lot of values that I've never seen anyone explicitly show me before, values I agree with. For one, she doesn't like having secrets, which I completely agree with. And two, she seems to think, like I do, that most relationship/friendship troubles stem from a lack of communication. (She's a sociology major, so she picks up on these cues instantly, it seems). I don't know, she really seems like she knows what she's doing.

I also just love listening to her talk about things that happen over the course of a week or hearing about her life back home. Unfortunately I can't retain a lot of the details but I remember a to of the emotions suggested when she talks. She's just very open and honest, and it's great.

I didn't really think about whether I had a crush on her or not until around January. We had a lot of extended talks by then that did touch on personal areas, but I didn't see myself as having a crush on her. If at all, definitely not as much as I did look forward to just having a conversation with her again. But come January I did start to think about what my deeper feelings for her were.

There was one night where I was thinking about a conversation we had and all of a sudden I experienced this really intense feeling of warmth and comfort, tied directly to her. It's something I've only felt once before (in my first relationship, back in high school). It was the happiest feeling in the world, and she was at the center of it. I couldn't quite wrap my head around how that feeling came to me, but it did. From then on I started really thinking about how I felt for her, and realized there were many things I now have to consider.

She's a junior, and I'm a freshman. Normally in itself I might have thought, well, this puts her in the second half of her undergrad experience, and I'm just starting my first year. She's already studying abroad next summer and thinking about her career at an advertising company, whereas I have no clue what I want to do. (Not saying I have no clue what I'm doing, just that I don't know where I want my life to go) S how would a relationship go with her long-term? But this pales in comparison to the fact that she has had (at least) two boyfriends before, and one of them was a year or two younger than her. Now I don't know the exact specifics of what happened where with whom, as it's sensitive information, but her past relationships haven't gone well.

Evidently she's suffered some emotional/physical abuse before in a past relationship, and one of her exes, who was/is close to her family, still follows her around in various ways. Because of that I've found it extremely difficult to prod around the subject and learn more about how comfortable she is around others in closer settings. I only know what I know about her past experiences because she somewhat-anger-texted me this in one conversation where we both weren't feeling our best (the joys of texting), ending with saying that it's only information she usually give out to people she trusts, and even then only when she's drunk.

*segue*

She drinks to have fun. I have never touched a drop of alcohol in my life, and of course since college is now my life I have seen many instances of people not in their right minds. The only party I've been to was in her suite, where i think she invited me to spend a couple minutes. As far as I know, like I said she only drinks to have fun and she knows her limits very well. Still, it's something I'm not used to, something she's accepted as part of what she does (she made a couple of jokes about balancing her study abroad expenses with her alcohol expenses).

I choose not to drink because I like to experience reality as much as possible without anything else interfering with that. I enforce that especially recently, because I figured out that with college came an outbreak of anxiety disorder that likes to confuse some of my senses and memories from time to time, and it's affected a couple of social situations :/. (This could just be from college stress or from the underlying tension of the divorce that's happening with my parents back home, it's hard to tell).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm pretty sure I like her. But she seems to have a past that's a bit more complicated than mine, with past relationships. And of course I can't know for sure, nor should I be expected to, how much that has changed how she feels with sharing deep feelings with someone in a relationship sort of way. (The only good facts I have are that she is single and that she doesn't like hugs, whether it be from adults or her own suitemates). So it's going to be a bit of a hurdle expressing what my feelings are for her.

And that's another problem: my feelings for her might be more defined than what I would actually want from a relationship with her. I mean I guess I could define more of the basic things I'm sure of that I want, aka rejecting college hookup culture, wanting to go out and do things more often, seeing each other as "special" to each other, etc. But there's still a lot I'm not sure of, especially because I don't know how she feels about certain things.

I like being romantic. Or more specifically, I like being close to someone with some sort of couple love aspect in there. All the cutesy cuddly stuff. I might not be very good or experienced at it, but I do really like the concept of human closeness. It's something I wouldn't mind having in my life. Now of course, that could be a problem where she's concerned, just because I know her past life with relationships hasn't been perfect.

The problem is it's hard for me to just ask someone else because I reject the whole "in a relationship" concept as a whole, even though I've used that phrase a lot already. I personally don't see why people have to keep track of the day they started dating, feel obliged to give and get gifts on certain holidays, expect to do routine things for each other, that sort of thing. My idea of a relationship is more spontaneous, not strict. Trying to do things when we want, when we find them interesting, not really bound by what relationships are supposed to be like. Not calling her "my boyfriend" or me calling her "my girlfriend" (it sounds posissive to me!). But still having an undercurrent of emotion that's much more pronounced between us than between ourselves and others. It's hard to explain it without making it sound like an "open relationship" or whatever; I'm not going to pretend I know hard-bound definitions for everything.

But I do feel like I need to tell her what my feelings are. I want her to know. Even if I don't "formally ask her out on a date" (which I won't do until my feelings have solidified a bit more and I learn a little more about what she feels towards a relationship), I still want her to know. Like I said, I'm not a big fan of secrets.

The problem is, what next? Things are up in the air for me. Obviously if she responds similarly to me, then things might progress easier. If she doesn't like what I might be asking her, then no harm done; I'll move on.

But...I don't know. This is where my logical thought begins to break down. Where do I want it to go? More importantly, where does she want it to go? Does she want it to go anywhere? These are the questions I've been mulling over for a few weeks.

I was going to bring up at least some of this to her this weekend, but she went home, and anyways it's Valentine's Day weekend and I'm not going to make it look like I'm trying to force the stars to align.

That was a bunch of rambling, but it's the most concentrated form of those thoughts I've ever shared "out loud". I don't know if I'm even looking for your feedback to it; I just kinda needed to get that out.
User avatar
bender
wisdom crystal finder
Posts: 2821
Joined: 04 Dec 2012 22:03
Location: Inertia

Re: Relationships

Post by bender »

I am sorry Jatsko but you may be idealizing her. I understand that you really want a relationship (not in a sexual aspect but a more lovely one), chances are high that you are just fooling yourself. I know exactly how you feel, and I know it really sucks. You have to ask yourself these questions:

Do I REALLY want to be with her?

Do I feel like I am forcing myself to love her?

Why do I feel like she is the one for me? (If you think that you see yourself in her. You are not on a good track)

Why do I want to be with her?

If you cannot imagine you and her in a relationship, going on a date with her might have become an ambition for you. If you think this feeling will fade if you ask her out even if she says no, again you are fooling yourself. If ask yourself what will others think of your relationship, I am sorry. If you think she might have a crush on YOU, you are in a lot of trouble. It is best that you move on, or even stop talking to her if you can't do without her.


But I may be wrong. I've never been in love or craved a relationship in my life. From my observation, I can clearly say that true love is mutual, but one side is always more attached while other side sees the other one as a really close friend (is also attracted but doesn't know it yet) . The attached side finally asks the other one out, and that feelings of attachment turn into love via a relationship. This is actually scientifically true, because love is just a hormone. The first stages of attraction occurs by a chemical that is released with sweat, and if that chemical is your polar opposite, you become attracted, but love doesn't start without a lip to lip kiss. This my knowledge of love. Love is just a chemical that evolution gave us to find our polar opposites so genetic diversity and prevention of genetic diseases are achieved.

Why am I telling you this? So that you can have a true perspective of love and use this information to judge the situation for yourself. But I am no expert. This is all I know. If you ask me, just forget it and focus on your studies, don't do anything you would regret.


But you might never know. Check if she shows any sign of attraction to you, but never exaggerate her attitude towards you. I hope this helps. Good Luck! Do not do anything you might regret!
Bender sucks
User avatar
ENIHCAMBUS
karma portal traveller
Posts: 8653
Joined: 04 Feb 2013 22:17
Location: Pastel Lands.

Re: Relationships

Post by ENIHCAMBUS »

My situation is still confusing, what I can tell...
But I'm feeling better each time about that, however, I have currently serious problems with my family, so thats not something I'm caring off currently.
ENIHCAMBUS: State of the Art Scanning!
🧐
User avatar
Jatsko
karma portal traveller
Posts: 5997
Joined: 26 May 2014 11:20

Re: Relationships

Post by Jatsko »

bender wrote:I am sorry Jatsko but you may be idealizing her. I understand that you really want a relationship (not in a sexual aspect but a more lovely one), chances are high that you are just fooling yourself. I know exactly how you feel, and I know it really sucks. You have to ask yourself these questions:

Do I REALLY want to be with her?

Do I feel like I am forcing myself to love her?

Why do I feel like she is the one for me? (If you think that you see yourself in her. You are not on a good track)

Why do I want to be with her?

If you cannot imagine you and her in a relationship, going on a date with her might have become an ambition for you. If you think this feeling will fade if you ask her out even if she says no, again you are fooling yourself. If ask yourself what will others think of your relationship, I am sorry. If you think she might have a crush on YOU, you are in a lot of trouble. It is best that you move on, or even stop talking to her if you can't do without her.


But I may be wrong. I've never been in love or craved a relationship in my life. From my observation, I can clearly say that true love is mutual, but one side is always more attached while other side sees the other one as a really close friend (is also attracted but doesn't know it yet) . The attached side finally asks the other one out, and that feelings of attachment turn into love via a relationship. This is actually scientifically true, because love is just a hormone. The first stages of attraction occurs by a chemical that is released with sweat, and if that chemical is your polar opposite, you become attracted, but love doesn't start without a lip to lip kiss. This my knowledge of love. Love is just a chemical that evolution gave us to find our polar opposites so genetic diversity and prevention of genetic diseases are achieved.

Why am I telling you this? So that you can have a true perspective of love and use this information to judge the situation for yourself. But I am no expert. This is all I know. If you ask me, just forget it and focus on your studies, don't do anything you would regret.


But you might never know. Check if she shows any sign of attraction to you, but never exaggerate her attitude towards you. I hope this helps. Good Luck! Do not do anything you might regret!
..well, I guess that's food for thought
User avatar
The Kakama
karma portal traveller
Posts: 6243
Joined: 04 Dec 2012 16:35
Location: Selangor, Malaysia

Re: Relationships

Post by The Kakama »

Meanwhile everything is quiet here.
She's staying in a college far from me, and we're busy with our own stuff, so that's ok.
Is this my final form?
User avatar
Anonymous1
subnet technician
Posts: 408
Joined: 09 Sep 2015 18:39

Re: Relationships

Post by Anonymous1 »

So I was watching this movie where guy #1 asked guy #2 if he had a girlfriend, guy #2 said no and said that he doesn't want to be tied down with commitments and obligations because its not worth the trouble and misery.

It got me thinking... most of the time I spend in a relationship, I spend it by spending everything I have be it finance or emotion, on the other person, to make them happy. Yet in my relationships I got very little return investment.

Falling in love is a disaster for me each time, because I fall hard for someone and if they don't return my advances, I become bitter and jaded.

The conclusion I reach is, I'm more miserable when in love, and less miserable when not in love. I feel like... a relationship isn't worth it. Its not worth investing into because I just end up miserable.

I recently fell in love with someone who admitted to being in love with me. But he has a girlfriend and even though he admits that he'd be better off with me, he's still with her. Falling in love with him was a mistake, and I spent a lot of money and emotion on him to woo him, but he rejected my advances.

It doesn't matter if I spend money and emotion on someone who is with someone or single, I still end up miserable.

I guess it is better to be alone.

:)
Post Reply