Pastelland Forum

DNS server went down for a day.
Bored me out of my mind.
Also, someone it the house opposite leaves their bathroom light on at night.
So it felt like someone shining a flashlight in my face.

1.Heck if I know, I guess it means you have a passion for something?

2. That is not considered an extracurricular activity.

1) Well, damn.
2) Why the Hell not? It is much more useful AND interesting than, say, football (of either kind).

Tomorow school starts

I hate it when people WANT eye contact. Like when people say "look at me in the EYE". It doesn't help that I had a rather strange aversion to human eyes. When I was younger, if I so much as look at a poster or picture with an eye on it, it would make me tear up for some reason, and until recently I couldn't look at people in the eye even if the people were in a video and they were looking straight at the camera.
The only time I can make eye contact with a person is if I'm lying.

We started learning kanji in my Japanese class.
I'm also taking Chinese, so I know some kanji characters already.
Now I'm struggling not to read familiar kanji out loud in Chinese.

Well, at least I can write them properly

They're not called kanji in Chinese blaahhh

I am stewing in my own inability to accept that people care about me.

I deal with this by ignoring them under the guise of concentrating on becoming someone who could possibly be cared about.

Spot the issue there, folks.

This is stupid and wrong and inconsiderate and unconscionable and it's slowing driving me mad, in all senses of the word. It's so easily soluble but I don't trust myself not to muck things up yet further with people who've already had to put up with my cicada-esque relationship with commitment for an impossibly insolent length of time. I am not helped by circumstances and anxieties and workload and malaise and personal uncertainties and just not being good at being a person in general. Unweaving the knot is always a "future" deal that I "will get to" and when I needed to get my life back on track, that was perfectly understandable. Someone I regard very highly said so. Yet now I have no excuse.

And this is not the first time I have done this. It likely won't be the last. I've just never done it quite so extensively before.

I am incapable of comprehending the consequences of my own actions. I wish I knew why.

...so I'm ranting to you guys precisely because you don't know who I am, nor what I've done. Don't mind me. That's my motto, unfortunately. It's now off my chest. Good riddance. Let's see if the me in the morning reckons this was a good idea and, if he does, I may very well have gotten somewhere...

It might be a good idea to confide this to a friend you really trust.
I'm sure that's much more difficult than it sounds in words for one in your position, though. It never seems like the situation is right, and you always feel like you'd be violating some social standard by bringing up such a serious topic. You feel like you'd be burdening them with your troubles, and you feel absurd. Then the moment passes, and you go your separate ways and you realize that you're no better off than you were before because you chickened out.
Sometimes you just gotta do it though. A true friend wants to be burdened with your troubles. They will want to help if they're trustworthy.
You may be able to get past the mental block if you make an arrangement to meet with them specifically to discuss your troubles. Then you'll be obligated to talk about your social anxiety.

Maybe that's how you feel. If not, I suppose this isn't very helpful. If so, take it with a grain of salt, because I still haven't worked out my own relationship with the girl I like, for these reasons specifically. That's a story for another time, though.
So yeah, that's just the two cents from the mind of a tired student procrastinating on his calculus homework.

It might be a good idea to confide this to a friend you really trust.

This won't work if you don't trust your friends, though.

Go to one of my High School Snowball Dances, and during a move which everyone was bending into a low position, and my Pants out of the blue decided to F******** SPLIT!

Ouch.