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Well it definitely sets up a lot.

Though, fun fact, Mateusz in years past throughout the development of the Submachine series often signed posts with different varieties of Murtaugh including "m" and "mur". I don't think there was ever a distinction made.

Also, I would think that if I signed onto Discord (not everyone's always logged into Skype and especially the forum anyway, so inactivity there isn't too strange) and I saw no one online and just a link, my first thought would be to assume that something happened to the server and the link would lead to a new server or something. I also sort of wonder what exactly was in the link as far as names of domains, extensions, whatever, because I'm assuming that even if you didn't click the link you would be able to at least see parts of it. Either way I would see no reason to avoid the link twice right away. But eh.

Sort of a strange leap in thought to automatically assume that something lifethreatening might be at stake, but I guess if you feel that you have grounds to believe that a video game character is talking to you then anything's possible.

I'm interested to see where this dream world goes.

Apocrypha wrote:Well it definitely sets up a lot.

Why thank you.

Apocrypha wrote:fun fact, Mateusz in years past throughout the development of the Submachine series often signed posts with different varieties of Murtaugh including "m" and "mur". I don't think there was ever a distinction made.

I only noticed that he signed them using "m". I never found any that he signed "mur" so I stuck with doing that.

Apocrypha wrote:(not everyone's always logged into Skype and especially the forum anyway, so inactivity there isn't too strange)

Usually, many guests roam around the site as well. Maybe I should have added something about no guests being on the forums either. Would have obviously added something to the aesthetic.

Apocrypha wrote:I'm interested to see where this dream world goes.

Trust me. It will go many places.

the guests are spambots.

Not all of them. I know at least 1 isn't a spambot

Sundex wrote:Not all of them. I know at least 1 isn't a spambot

two at least
on different sites

Liking it so far! waiting for more (post made only as a dot)

Okay. Here is something: I seem to be making this novel as quick as I do with theorizing.

This link led to a typical URL page (Mateusz’s itch.io page)

There is no such thing as a typical URL page. What does that even mean? You don't need to go Lovecraftian, but some description would be nice. You could just have said it lead to Mateusz' itch.io page and it would more effective, if only slightly. You are not in a hurry here - write out what happens.

In general you're doing more telling than showing. You're not really telling us anything creepy per se, you are just saying how creeped out and disgusted you were. Do not tell us how to feel; make us scared. This is not at all helped by stuff like:

The description given was more graphic than not and because of this, none of it will be shared in an attempt to keep the minds of whoever reads this healthy.

Excessive gore is not creepy for most readers either, but you're not doing yourself any favours by omitting everything icky that happens. The statement is a cliche, which could work in a certain context, but here it comes across as heavy-handed and patronizing, since you didn't give us anything to get the feel that we actually do not want to know how precisely Murtaugh pummeled Mateusz to death.

They were significantly harder and creepier than their respective "Mateusz" version.

Spoilers much? You are frontloading hard here, telling us what is going to happen and how creepy it is. This means you're going to have to deliver on this much harder for it to have the same effect as just showing us the games BEING CREEPY IN THE MOMENT.

Anteroinen wrote:

This link led to a typical URL page (Mateusz’s itch.io page)

There is no such thing as a typical URL page. What does that even mean? You don't need to go Lovecraftian, but some description would be nice. You could just have said it lead to Mateusz' itch.io page and it would more effective, if only slightly. You are not in a hurry here - write out what happens.

The entirety of what gets posted here is "rough-draft" material. I plan on trying to make this a creepy-pasta so any feedback is accepted. What I'll probably do is write all of the changes down, make the changes on my "document" and then input them into here to make the final draft.

Anteroinen wrote:In general you're doing more telling than showing. You're not really telling us anything creepy per se, you are just saying how creeped out and disgusted you were. Do not tell us how to feel; make us scared.

You have to remember that these are only the first chapters. A prologue, per se. The next chapters will be better, but I will go through the current chapters and see where I talk about self-emotions.

Anteroinen wrote:

The description given was more graphic than not and because of this, none of it will be shared in an attempt to keep the minds of whoever reads this healthy.

Excessive gore is not creepy for most readers either, but you're not doing yourself any favours by omitting everything icky that happens. The statement is a cliche, which could work in a certain context, but here it comes across as heavy-handed and patronizing, since you didn't give us anything to get the feel that we actually do not want to know how precisely Murtaugh pummeled Mateusz to death.

This is one of those times where I try to imitate the aesthetic of Submachine itself. We don't know that much about the series, if we know anything at all, and all we can do is speculate using both Subnet and realistic properties.

This is one of those things that will be given... in part. What truly happened would be for the reader to speculate on.

Anteroinen wrote:

They were significantly harder and creepier than their respective "Mateusz" version.

Spoilers much? You are frontloading hard here, telling us what is going to happen and how creepy it is. This means you're going to have to deliver on this much harder for it to have the same effect as just showing us the games BEING CREEPY IN THE MOMENT.

I never said what is going to happen. I just stated difficulty and creep levels. Remember, these are like prologues. You know how "prehistory" has rounded dates? To me "prologues" should have "rounded information"

I will not take any of this out of consideration. In fact, I'll make a new document for feedback from here that I truly find helpful. When everything is complete (I am thinking of 3 parts with 10 smallish chapters a part), I will go through feedback and make changes accordingly. Only then will this "project" truly be complete.

Thank you!